Mise à jour.

So wow, it's been over two months since my last entry, and obviously a lot has happened.

And while you all will probably hate me for it, I can't really be bothered to write down all that has happened.

I'll just say there's been a whole lot of stuff going down, and yet some how it feels like not much at all.

But tonight I was just reflecting on my evening, and how I've spent it, and it hit me that even this quiet evening reflects so many changes that have happened in my life over the past (nearly) six months. Wooooow-six months. Nearly six months ago I wrote down how I was scared about the future, but so excited. And now I'm here, looking back, I'm a bit in awe of how much change I can see in myself.

Like tonight for example.

I headed over to the flat at Spring Grove (i.e. Curtis and Lucy's) to make dinner for myself, and just hang out, as they aren't actually home (I'm writing from there). I stopped at the co-op on the way over and bought myself ingredients for dinner. I cooked myself breaded haddock with rocket, leek and garlic baby potatoes, and had a drink of pear cider on the side, as I enjoyed a few episodes of The Office, and some peace and quiet to myself.

For those of you who don't know me so well, or maybe just for those of you who don't know my eating/drinking/viewing habits inside out this probably seems rather normal.

But you are wrong!!

Let me tell you how all this would seem very odd to myself 6 months ago:

Six months ago.....

-I hated fish. I could not stand it! I didn't even eat meat! And now days I can't get enough of it. Fish, fish, glorious fish!

-I also hated rocket. Just a side note.

-I would never have touched cider. In my mind it woukd have been too much like beer-something I still loathe. But in reality cider is yummy, and hardly tastes alcoholic at all.

-I had a deep abiding dislike of The Office. Michael Scott made me die a little inside. The whole show would having me cringing and covering my ears and eyes. Not simultaneously obviously, but you dig my drift.

-I was a much more social person. In fact I was ALWAYS busy! Always working, or seeing someone, catching up for coffee, exploring, driving somewhere, or maybe nowhere-just driving to be doing SOMETHING. But now days I'm pretty far from it. I have two close friends-who are really like my English family, who I'll see 3 or 4 times a week. I have some friends at church, one of whom I'll catch up for coffee with maybe every second week. But I also spend a LOT of time alone. In fact, when I'm at my place-I don't even feel entirely alone, because I know I can't just walk down to the kitchen, or laze about in the lounge room, because in reality-it is someone else's house. So coming to Curtis and Lucy's while they're out is actually a real blessing in it self. It's totally quiet unless I want noise, I'm totally alone with my thoughts and myself, and I love it-I really do. I guess it's just evidence of some of the huge work God has been, and is still doing in me over this past season.

I guess I feel a bit odd as to where exactly I am. Not in the physical, but more my emotional grounding-my home.

You see-I think I don't really feel like I have a home. Now don't feel sorry for me! I'm not sad or depressed about it-its just an observation I have recently made.

How I can best sum it up is in terms of my bed.

Everyone knows the feeling of one's own bed. The feeling of missing it after a while of not sleeping in it.

I don't feel like I have a bed-not in the physical (duh), but yeah-in the FEELING.

There's my bed in my green room in Australia. In my mind that represents a younger, more dependent me. I had a dream last night that I was asleep in that bed, and Mum came and knocked on my door to wake me up for school. Ughhhh school.

There's my bed at Curtis and Lucy's. I guess it's a comfortable bed. It reminds me of late nights, and not much sleep-but always lots of fun. But it's not a bed I would ever physically miss.

And then there's my white bed, in my big, white room. My England room.

It's a big bed. It's oh-so-comfortable. But still, I don't ever miss it when I'm away from it.

And so, I surmise that due to my lack of attachment to any bed, I am inbetween homes. Just figuring out where I stand.

Because in my mind, Australia is my true homeland-my family and a lot of my childhood/teenage years friends are there. Eventually I believe I'll probably end up settling there.

But although it is my true homeland, when it comes to attachment to a country in the here and now-England is my home country.

I love England. I love the unpredictable weather. I love the lay of the land. I love the history and the fashion and the huge range of accents. I love the tough, loyal people.

And I know after my job finishes, I will only return to Australia for a time. I strongly feel my time here will not be finished 9 months from now.

But I don't feel particularly settled LIVING with the family I work for. I like my job, true. And for the most part, I absolutely love the family. But living there is really just exhausting. It's a bit unsettling, feeling like you're never truly off work unless you leave the place you live. Which is why I probably don't feel a home like attachment too it.

But really all this is okay. I'm not bothered by this lack of 'home'. A bit disoriented, yes, but not saddened.

I just believe it is God teaching me to ground my feeling of 'home' (a word the online dictionary defines as "a. An environment offering security and happiness. b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.") in Him. To find my safety, my security, my happiness, my centre in Him.

And I'm happy with that. I know He is doing this because He LOVES me. The God of everything LOVES ME, and cares enough that He wants me to feel safe and secure where ever I am.

And in truth, that just makes me so SO blessed.

So blessed.

I know this has been a bit of a ramble, that is my life. A bit of a ramble. A very wonderful ramble at that.

My deepest love to you all

Courtney xxxxx

For God Has Given Us a Spirit of Love

Over the past few weeks God has been doing a work in my life. A work which I can not even grasp the full extent of, but a work I will none-the-less attempt to explain now.

I think I shall start with a word that God gave me maybe 2 weeks ago-I was in a cafe reading my Bible, and I just had this inexplicable need to write the following down:

When did we stop being real?

When did Christianity exchange the Holy Spirit's fire for half-heartedness and a culture that prefers to push possibility and opportunity aside, rather than use the power that is ours to use-our inheritance!

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline"!

Jesus said we shall do greater things than He-yet we prefer to believe that this will always be the call upon someone else's life, rather than our own.

We are told to love God with our entire being-told that this is the commandment. Yet we live in a society consumed by a material and hedonistic lifestyle.

We are apart of a generation that suffers from higher levels of metal-illness and obesity than any other generation before us-but if we only lift our eyes off of our worldly surroundings and look to God we would find a love that surpasses understanding, that gives us freedom from fear and a new identity!

Why has Christianity become more about religion and less about relationship? And who deemed that we could judge another human being? Where does the second greatest commandment fit into this scenario?

For we are called to love others with the same love that God has shown us-not to judge others, but to give and love freely regardless of our brother's and sister's social standing, their 'sins', their jobs, their race, their sexuality, their beliefs.

We are called to live a life that honours God-not one that pulls others down so that we may be made higher.

For it says in Philippians "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped..."

When will we take our eyes off the small part of the canvas and look at the full picture? The picture that would show us that we are here to love. To live a life that reflect's Jesus' life here on earth. A life that casts aside religion and embraces our brothers and sisters in Christ with the same love that God has shown to us.

And honestly, to look back on that now, two weeks on-I don't think I truly had any comprehension of what it was that God had put upon my heart.

And it is this that God has shown me.

That God has the power to do great miracles-miracles of healing, of setting people free, of casting out the demons. And He has given us this power to through the Holy Spirit.

But the true power behind these miracles is love.

It is God's love that set's people free from mental illness, from guilt, from Satanic powers!

And He has has shown us this love!

And it just keeps hitting me. I have this love. God has shown me this love. He Loves ME.

And I have the chance-the ability-nay, the OBLIGATION to share this love.

For in His love I have found freedom, I have found meaning and I have found Life, and Life abundant.

And there could truly be nothing more selfish of me than to hold back on showing other people this love.

So where are you at?

Because where ever you are in life-God is there with you too. And He feels it all. And He wants you to know that He LOVES you.

And in His love we will find the unselfish nature that so much worldly love lacks.

And so it is this that I am learning, and never before did I believe that God's call over everyone of our lives could be summed up into one word. But it can! It is love. LOVE LOVE LOVE

And it's not a corny love, it's not cliché. It is a powerful, cleansing, all consuming love- there is no fear in His love, no conditions, no traps. His hearts desire is that the world would realise that He LOVES us.

It is a Furious Love that is fighting a battle over our hearts and minds, not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

*Insert Major Mind-Explosion*

(To most definitely be continued)

Courtney

My Great Provider

There's this song I sing quite a bit kinda just to myself, just cause I love it.

And the opening lines are 'I have decided, I have resolved, To wait upon You Lord.'

And the more I live, the more I live my life with Him, the more I realise that this is a key element to relationship with God.

And today it just hit me again. Because God just stepped up once again and provided for me beyond my expectations, and when I looked back on the past month and a half I realised that God had just wanted me to wait.

The summer here hasn't been so easy for me. I mean I haven't been depressed, and it's been good in that I've really settled in, and have come to love the family I work for etc.

But I was lonely. And I did have a little too much time to myself. And when that happens I tend to think a LOT. Probably too much. And today I realised that Satan had really got into my thoughts. And I'm not going to go into detail, but by the time I realised it-my mind was pretty messy. Not quite mad, but getting there :P

But when I realised that I was just meant to be WAITING it all seemed to make much more sense haha

And anyway, back to today. Today Curtis and I went to the church I've been trying to get to in Canterbury for quite some time. And honestly, setting out for it I (and maybe both of us) was rather sceptical. I just was not sure if it was the kind of church I wanted to get involved in.

So I entered on the offensive, ready to judge the crap out of this church and all it stands for. But I was wrong. So wrong. Obviously I was wrong for going in on the offensive in the first place (not my place to judge etc etc-but those of you who know me well would understand that I wasnt being entirely unreasonable given past experiences). But I was wrong to think that there are no nice people in England. Au contraire mon chéri! In fact I met some of the nicest people today. People came and talked to me! Not exciting?? WRONG!!! In England people dont talk to new people. It's practically a law haha

I had a hug today! Not a big deal? WRONG!! I've hardly had any decent hugs here. Really. 'No touchies' is another unsaid law.

And an English male talked to me about his issues with thrush. Out of context it sounds odd, even disgusting. But in context it was funny! And I miss funny!

hahaha

But seriously-I immediately felt at home in this church. Worship was fantastic and I was drinking in the Holy Spirit like (insert analogy about something really thirsty), and the word was exactly what I needed to hear.

God provided for needs I didnt even realise I had today.

And so I'll just add another thing on the 'Things I am Grateful For, God' list. :D

On Another note, here are some pictures of things I am totally digging at the mo:

Clove Bud Oil-What a life saver! I have THE worst timed tooth ache in the world, and so this stuff does a good ol' job of masking le pain!

I know I've already raved heaps but (:D) MY NEW CHURCH!!!

At first I hated it, now I love it. The Office in all it's awkwardness and political-incorrectness has caught me hook, line and sinker.

And finally, Indian Takeaway leftovers. It's SO good at 9pm that I dont even care that I cant figure out what it is I'm eating hahaha

Oh and my new jumper. Ugly? A bit. Comfortable? HELLZ TO THE YE-AH!

So much love-GOD BLESS!!

xxxx

Oooh Er

I have realised I am a little horrified by the idea of having children now...

Soz Mum!

So keen for tomorrow-Curtis is back and we're hitting up the Tickled Trout-aw yeah!

Also so keen for a white choc and peanut cookie.

Nom nom nom

Also a bit bored.

Laura Marling. So. Excited.

I hear little footsies coming up my stairs. Best be off darlings

Love from me xxx

AW YEAH

So I was just browsing band sites to see if there were any cheap shows worth buying tickets for to add to the plethora of amazing music I already get to see this year.

I was on Laura Marling's website (I absolutely LURRRVE Laura Marling!), and I saw she was playing a show on the 2nd of December, and I was thinking 'POO' because I already had bought tickets to see Vampire Weekend that night.

And then it hit me. The wonderful words that followed.

"(Supporting Vampire Weekend)"

I pretty much had a fit.

God is SO looking out for me.

He is giving me so many things to look forward to!!

Foals

Born Ruffians

Vampire Weekend

aaaannnnnnddddd

LAURA MARLING

woo woo woo woo woo woo woo

haha i dont even care how lame this blog is.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

so. ex.cite.d. so. ex.cite.d. so. ex.cite.d. so. ex.cite.d. so. ex.cite.d. so. ex.cite.d.

(full stops are to stress my serious ex.cite.ment :D )

Thank You Lord God! You are an almighty God who provides-a God who cares about the small things (eg. bands i love!) !

lots of love my darlings xxxx

I'm SO excited

So I'm pretty excited.

Excited because I get to sleep in tomorrow morning.

Excited because God provides-ALWAYS!

Excited because today I bought my ticket to see Born Ruffians-meaning I will be seeing my 3 favourite bands within one month of each other.

Excited because in nearly 42 days Melanie Joy Barker will be joining me in this country to do our trip we've been planning for SO long!

Excited because I am able to do more and more planning for travels (Scotland over New Years, Greece and Prague in February/March, England with Mum, Holly n Soph in May etc)

Excited because I finally have internet in my room

Excited because God is so good

Excited because I made my first ever pie today (blackberry-hardly any leakage)

And excited cause my room looks like a proper bedroom should-messy, yet organised, and very personalised. Woooo!

It's late, and in reality I'm probably writing this to avoiding going to bed. But I really am excited! Think I'll watch some late night TV...

Some photos for my darling readers....

My door-reppin Aus, Lily Allen, Hot Guy, Family Pics, Pics from El etc

Australian Map/Letter, from David!

Unmade Bed, Large Amount of Photos

And Me (looking rather tired), and my lovely Red Armchair

Lots of love xxxx

Oh Comely

Ahhh what a good few weeks these past few have been.

I got older (and 19 actually does feel much older than 18), and had my first birthday in this cold, windy and altogether wondrous country.

I visited Yorkshire for the first time, and stayed in a stately manor of Jane-Austen-Movie-Proportions. I left with a dog, the sweetest dog I've ever met in fact.

I got invited to go and stay again in this amazing manor.

I house sat for a week, which was good for numerous reasons (rest, rest, rest, lots of Friends and Big Brother) but especially because it has made me so glad to have the family back. I love these people.

God blessed me with one of the most memorable birthdays ever, and showed me how He's really making me grow up. I got through the day with no tears, no melancholy sighs, and a natural smile upon my face-I truly enjoyed my birthday.

I'm currently reading Mansfield Park (Jane Austen), and love it. LOVE it.

Fanny Price is fantastic.

And I am really getting super, super excited. Because 1) Curtis and Lucy get back soon, and I have truly missed them so!, 2) Because it is 45 days until Melanie Joy Barker arrives in this country and we set off on the trip we've been planning for nearly 2 years!!! And 3) I have been given the final 10 days of October off to travel with my fellow Wyetarians.

Life, and indeed God is good.

And finally today I had the day off and went into Canterbury in my red coat, feeling rather dapper, and was sung to by one guy, who told me I had beautiful eyes, and stopped by another who was also full of flattery. Creepy? A little. Left me feeling all nice about myself? Indeed.

Judge me not! haha

And as for the name of my current blog, I have hooked onto an amazing magazine of the same name, and am truly truly loving it.

Other highlights of the past week:

Skyping Eleanor Shepherd, and receiving a letter from her.

Realising that our new dog loves me best haha.

Having lunch at Boho-Canterbury's nicer, and better answer for Nowra's Tea Club.

Dancing for about half-an-hour with Silvia in the kitchen.

Having an amazing chat with Tom Wilson.

God.

Being attacked by a 3 year old, or 'Ben 10'

Having dnm with Serena.

Realising how soon October is.

Skyping my family practically every other day.

Falling in love with Sam Pepper off Big Brother.

Making the best Cherry Cake ever.

Now some photos for my lovelies:

Thorp Perrow, where I stayed on my birthday.

Tarka

Cherry Cake nom nom nom

19 y.o. Me.

Lots of love,

Courtney xxxxx

A Blog by a 'Frustrated Soul'.

The worst thing (and something I am quickly and keenly becoming aware of) about being here in this situation is having no one to talk to.

One becomes very aware of how much they talk when there is no longer anyone to talk casually too.

My social world is this one family. This one family, who 6 months ago, I'd never heard of, and 2 months ago, I'd never met.

My closest 'confidantes' don't really seem all that interested in things I have to say (though that may be a little unfair-they do make an effort to include me), don't get my sense of humour, and in reality, just don't really get me.

I have found I have this awful build up which comes from my lack of casual talking. Pretty much everything I say is planned and considered before I say it-everything I say has a point.

A POINT. Since when did I want to talk just because I have to?? Since when have I been a 'strong, thoughtful, silent' type? I mean I'm not saying I'm a vapid air-head; but I do so like to just talk. Is that really so bad-a-thing to want?

This family probably think I'm some weird 'computer-nerdish', 'book-reading', 'long-lonesome-walks' kind of hermit!

Who cares that I now read 3 or 4 books a week? Who cares that I am now extremely well informed of the world of mini-clip? And who bloody-well cares that I am more fit now than I have been for a few years??

None of these things are a comfort to the fact that I sometimes just get SO bored of my own company, that I come down and choose to help with the kids, just for some human company?

Ahhhh it's honestly that frustrating!!

Now please don't think I am depressed, or sad even. This whole blog is meant to have a satirical, frustrated tone to it.

So don't worry about me :)

I'm really writing this because I have nothing better to do.

Love etc to all my faithful readers xxxx

Life As It Is

When you start to find life normal after a big move, one feels both relief and a little disappointment. Relief because you're starting to settle in, and feel at home. And disappointment because what girl doesn't like a bit of drama? Everything was so interesting! Everything was so new!

But I'm finding my drama in new places. Though honestly I don't know why I like drama. It really is most stressful.

Yesterday for an example of drama, the kids were eating dinner, and Piers asked to go to the toilet (his main delay tactic when it comes to the ever difficult task of dinner). So upon promising he'd go straight there and come straight back, he set off on his little adventure. An adventure which did not involve the toilet in any shape what so ever. Instead he headed off to the craft cupboard, where he started to draw a face on his fingers (a trick I showed the kids the other day, and have regretted ever since). There I found him, and he immediately started chucking Le Mega Tanty. So we pulled the old 'Go to the table, or we'll go straight to the bath.' which usually has him back at the table in 3 seconds flat. But nooooo, not tonight.

The drama that ensued was a half hour battle between he and I, with me trying to get him into the bath, and him absolutely SCREAMING. It was exhausting.

Ah drama.

And to top it off, when Saturday, GLORIOUS Saturday came around, I stepped in Piers' poop.

Yep. His poop. He did a bit of a stinker on the bathroom mat.

My life is such a fiasco! Haha

But I am enjoying it on the whole. A little lonely, but God is growing me, and revealing more of Himself to me, and I just feel genuinely blessed by everything.

So here I am, in England settling into a 'normal' life.

What THAT is, I am not entirely sure of!

Lots of love xxx

Wine Tastes Better in Europe

England continues to absolutely blow my mind.
Sometimes it is so cold, it feels like an average Australian winter day in the middle of summer. But some days, especially the twilight period, entirely obliterate any bad feelings you would other wise have towards English weather.
I am really feeling at home now-in this place, and with this family. I feel so blessed to be working for them, and I find myself absolutely adoring the children even though they can be little horrors sometimes! Haha, but this isn't bothering me as much as it was-because I mean, I can be a horror too, you know? Maybe not so outwardly and obviously as these kids, but i am from 11-16 years older than them. And those of you who know me really well will know I am not a complete angel all month round :D

But of course, I havent always been in this frame of mind for the past few weeks. there was one week there that I was a bit of an emotional wreck (those of you who skyped with me during this time will know that very well!)
But God sorted me and my higher-than-normal-hormone-fuelled body out, and I'm feeling considerably better about it all now!

So last week I went to Italy with the family-it was such an amazing experience!
By the end of it I had stopped referring to the family as 'my employees', and started, more often than not, referring to them as 'my family' (do not be offended true family, there is just something about living with others...I'll always love you best :D). I no longer asked them what 'they' were doing, and found myself asking what 'we' were doing for the day.
And Italy itself was divine. We stayed with Serena's mother in these botanical gardens set up by their ancestors. These gardens were insane! They were their own little sub-climate, with wisteria growing right next to bamboo, and roses next to acacias from Africa. Totally fab!
We spent most days at the beach (thanks to the 30C heat, and 100% humidity), although we also went to the (fantastic) food and clothing markets, as well as up into the mountains to go swimming in these gorgeous mountain pools, filled with water flowing directly from the Alps-altogether bracing!
The food was amazing, the coffee better than anything I'd ever had, and drunk just the way I like it (black and VERY sweet!), and I have to say-the wine was awesome!
(I may have got a little too jolly in front of the adults one night...oh dear)
But wine is truly better in Europe-I am drinking a glass of rose right now, and I promise you, that would not have happened in Australia.
Since coming back, it has been average weather, and a little lonely (Curtis and Luce totally DITCHED!! haha)but I'm feeling good.
I'm seeing Foals in November (HOLLLLLY CRAP!!!), and the fam has lots of great plans for these hols, and we're getting a dog soon!! (It will be mainly my responsibility-stoked!) And in aprox 2 weeks I will be 19-and am feeling quite old about it all. But still-EXCITING!!
God is always looking out for me-and I know I could never say thanks enough!
Now here are some photos for your lovely eyes-love you all ever so much!! xxxxx


Last Night Hangs with Curtis and Lucy!!



The gardens in Italy



The super chilly mountain waters



The beach we went to daily

Once again-so much love!! God bless xxx

From Me to You

Well almost three weeks later, and I have to say, it has all been amazing!
London was such an experience. My first night walking around, eating dinner in St James' Park, and seeing Big Ben and the London Eye all lit up I was the typical tourist with my face just like OoO the whole time.
Seeing Peta was fantastic as well, and I gained a passion for picnicking in as many parks as possible, and Peta gained (or unleashed) her passion for trying to get me to take really embarrassing photos of myself. Not to say that she didn't have her fair share of such photos...haha

Some of our more embarrassing moments....





Hyde Park...

(sorry, rotate just is NOT working for me...)

Just posting some postcards...



Buckingham Palace n all...


And so after a few days of fun, I bid adieu to Peta, and tackled the Underground and all it's flights of stairs with aprox 30 kgs worth of luggage. Not so fun. So lacking in fun it was that I almost cried. Thank goodness for the kind, attractive men in suits who stopped to help me along the way :D
On that note, England is rife with attractive males.

Upon arriving in Wye, I was picked up from the train station by my new employee Serena, who then dropped me at the Spring Grove School where Mr Curtis Smith has been working since the beginning of the year. Over the next 5 or so days I got to stay with Mr Smith and his charming flat mate Lucy, who's only downfall would be that she is from New Zealand. But please, do not think I am being offensive. There are countless times when I have been teased about my 'convict' ancestry, and our awful soccer team. Good times haha.

And so I then went on to move into my new home, and new employment. And in general, it has been good. Of course it's had it's not so great moments (think screaming match between myself and a 3 year old as we each held on to the ice cream cone between us as hard as we could). But I am settling in.
And Wye is beautiful, and I have come right at the beginning of summer, which is all wild flowers and warm days. And the town is so quaint, and I am actually starting to recognise people around town already. And although I am sorely missing home, I strive to not let that get me down, so I can enjoy this blessing of an experience to the full.
And as God has taught me, I must "Be joyful in peace, patient in affliction, (and) faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)
All my love from the other side of the world,
Courtney xxxx <3>

Last Night

So it's the last night at home, in Nowra, in Australia, with my family, and I'm feeling a bit like I'll explode with all the emotions I'm feeling!
SUPER excited, sad, nervous and a wee bit scared.
But I know this will be UH-MA-ZING!
Plus God's got it sorted. Really there's nothing to worry about at all!

I'll see you all on the otherside (of the world!!!)

Love Courtney